Effective communication and the ability to actively listen can be a challenging thing to maintain in any intimate relationship as the years pass. Perhaps children come into the picture, or work takes a bigger focus for you or your partner. Whatever the reasons behind this diminished connection, one thing is for certain, when ADHD is present, these challenges become all the more difficult to manage.
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Challenges for Couples When ADHD is Present
We know that for any healthy relationship, communication is key! However, the challenge for an individual with ADHD can be the ability to maintain focus and attention for extended periods of time. Taking turns in a conversation and remembering important tasks and dates can be significantly diminished compared to their neurotypical counterpart.
This may lead to a great deal of frustration for the other party, who may feel their partner does not listen, does not prioritise the completion of tasks they have expressed importance around or may feel like they are frequently disrupted or talked over in conversations.
If you feel as though your partner does not listen to you or respect your needs and values, of course this is going to lead to frustration and tension within your relationship!
Why can’t my partner do better?
While it is absolutely understandable that you may experience some frustration in these situations with your partner, it is important to remember that ADHD and its symptoms are not a choice. Your partner is likely not deliberately doing these things to you. Symptoms such as difficulty sustaining attention, challenges with remembering tasks, difficulty taking turns in conversation or an inability to sit still or stay with tasks for longer periods of time are commonly experienced by individuals with ADHD.
Couples Therapy and ADHD Symptoms
If couples therapy is a path that you and your partner choose, of course, the presence of ADHD will also transfer into various challenges when attending these sessions together. Counselors may find it challenging keeping conversations focused and task oriented, or the individual impacted by ADHD related symptoms may simply find it difficult to remain fully present during these couples therapy sessions. Understand what kind of questions are asked in couples therapy here.
There are however some simple steps and focus points that can help make couples therapy a more effective and rewarding experience when one partner exhibits ADHD symptoms. We have listed some practical steps you and your partner can take for more effective couples therapy when ADHD is present, below:
Be clear on the “why” of couples therapy
My experience working with individuals and couples therapy where ADHD is present, is that there is no doubt about the fact that the person with ADHD wants to be the very best partner they can be. However, with a mind that can be both incredibly creative, while also quite scattered at times, explaining the “why” behind the request you are making of your partner can do wonders for helping them understand the importance of your needs.
Break tasks into smaller chunks
Whether we are talking about ADHD, anxiety, or a combination of the two. Having very long-term goals or big tasks at hand can feel incredibly overwhelming and may result in decision paralysis (feeling so overwhelmed with where to start, that nothing gets done at all).
Instead, try and break bigger tasks or requests into smaller steps or chunks, to help the individual with ADHD better prioritise their time and energy. This may look like making a request for support with “putting the dishes in the dishwasher after dinner”, instead of the more general and undefined request of “helping me clean up the house more”.
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Clarify the priority of tasks
Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that there are a number of things we want and need from our partner day to day. While you should always be clear around your values and needs, again, this may feel very overwhelming to the ADHD individual, especially when multiple requests are made in a short span of time.
Here, it can be helpful to instead focus on the most important and pressing task, once completed, moving onto the next priority. I suggest creating a priority task list collaboratively with your partner to make sure you’re both on the same page of what is important and needs to be tended to “right now”, what is important but not urgent, and what goes on the list of “wants but not needs”. Uncover how to use CBT for overcoming procrastination here.
Collaborating on creative solutions
While individuals with ADHD may face some unique challenges in relationships, they also have wonderful strengths! One common strength is that they often have an incredibly creative mind and can be great at coming up with clever solutions to day-to-day problems. So, instead of getting bogged down in what your partner is not doing, instead work with your partner on how you can solve day-to-day challenges and tasks together in a more effective or fun way.
Couples Therapy and ADHD Worksheets
If you're a therapist or counselor working with couples facing relationship and communication issues, particularly in the presence of ADHD, be sure to check out some of our couples counseling worksheets mega bundle, via the link below.
Find our couples counseling worksheets mega bundle here:
Our couples counseling worksheets mega bundle has been developed for therapists and counselors working with couples or individuals facing relationship and communication challenges. It is our most comprehensive couples therapy resource available and is designed to be a complete couples counseling toolbox.
