By Veronica West, Registered Psychologist BPsychSc(Hons), MPH, MPsych
Most clinicians who work with couples have set homework at the end of a good session and then heard, a week later, that neither partner got to it, or that trying it turned into another argument. Couples therapy homework is far more likely to be completed when the assignments are small, clearly tied to what happened in session, and set up so both partners can succeed at them. This article walks through more than 15 couples therapy homework assignments, grouped by what you're helping the couple build, along with how to set them and how to review them in the next session.
Why Homework Matters in Couples Therapy
A couple spends one hour a week with you and the rest of the week with each other, so most of the change in couples therapy has to happen at home. Homework gives both partners a chance to practise new ways of talking and responding in the same setting where their old patterns play out, rather than only in the calmer environment of the therapy room.
When one partner sees the other sit down to complete an exercise, that's also evidence the other person is trying, which couples who arrive feeling hopeless often need. In my experience, the homework couples complete is usually homework they helped design.
How to Set Couples Therapy Homework That Gets Done
Homework that doesn't get done is usually too big, too vague, or set too early. A few simple principles make a noticeable difference:
- Tie every assignment to something that came up in the session, so both partners understand why they're doing it.
- Keep it small. Ten to fifteen minutes, two or three times a week, is plenty for most couples.
- Agree on when and where it will happen, for example after dinner on Tuesday and Thursday, rather than "sometime this week".
- Give the couple a worksheet or a clear written summary, as two people rarely leave a session remembering the task the same way.
- Ask what could get in the way this week, and plan for it before they leave.
- Mix joint tasks with individual ones, so a partner who isn't ready for a joint exercise can still contribute.
- Review the homework at the start of the next session, every time.
Order matters too. A difficult conversation set before a couple can stay regulated usually becomes the argument you were hoping to avoid, so I start with connection and listening tasks and leave conflict homework until later. Where there's any indication of family violence or coercive control, joint homework isn't appropriate, and individual assessment and safety planning come first.
Connection Homework for Couples Who Have Drifted Apart
Many couples come to therapy after years of living fairly separate lives, and they've stopped being curious about each other. The Exploration Activity for Couples in our free resource library makes a good first assignment. It groups questions into five categories (the fun things, about us, hopes and dreams, emotions, and connectedness with others), and couples work through three or four questions in an evening. Questions I find useful early on include:
- What motivates you to work on our relationship?
- When do you feel the happiest in our relationship?
- What do I say or do that makes you feel seen and connected?
- What do you want our relationship to look like in five years' time?
- Outside of our relationship, who are you most excited about telling good news to?
Two other assignments build on this. The first is a daily ten-minute check-in, where each partner talks about their day while the other listens without offering advice or trying to fix anything. The second looks at how each partner expresses and receives love, through words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, or gift giving. Each partner identifies how they most naturally show love and how they like to receive it, then the couple compares answers. Seeing on paper that they express love differently often takes some of the blame out of feeling unappreciated.
For couples who are ready for more, small daily values-guided actions and an appreciation journal work well as ongoing homework. We cover both in our post on ACT for couples in crisis.
Communication Homework for Couples
Communication is a set of skills, so it needs practice outside the session. These assignments work best on low-stakes topics first, like weekend plans, before the couple tries them on anything contentious.
- Active listening practice: one partner talks for five minutes about their day or a minor frustration, while the other puts their phone away, listens, and then summarises back what they heard. Then they swap.
- OARS practice: during one conversation a day, each partner practises open-ended questions ("Help me understand..."), affirmations, reflective listening ("It sounds like you..."), and summaries ("Let me see if I understand so far...").
- "I" statement rewrites: each partner writes down three recent complaints and rewrites them to start with "I", for example "I feel hurt when you don't share your plans with me and come home late".
- DEAR MAN rehearsal: using the DEAR MAN skill from DBT, each partner writes out one request they'd like to make, working through describe, express, assert, reinforce, stay mindful, appear confident, and negotiate, and then makes the request at an agreed time.
- Daily validation: once a day, each partner validates something their partner has said or felt, using a stem like "It makes sense that you... because...".
Before setting validation as homework, explain that validating doesn't mean agreeing. Partners who worry it means giving in are usually relieved to hear that.
Conflict Homework for Couples Who Argue
Once a couple has some listening skills, a time-out plan is usually the first conflict assignment I set. The couple agrees on a signal either partner can use, how long the break will be (20 to 30 minutes is a reasonable starting point), what each person will do to calm down, and when they'll come back to the conversation. Agreeing on when they'll come back matters, as without it a time-out can feel like the other person walking away.
Checking in before responding gives each partner a pause between feeling something and saying it. Before raising a difficult topic, each partner asks themselves:
- What is actually happening right now, and what are the facts?
- Do my emotions fit the facts, or are they bigger than the situation?
- How intense are my emotions, and do I need a moment to regulate first?
- When is the best time to respond to this?
- What is my ideal outcome, and how will my response affect my partner?
A conflict log helps couples stop re-running arguments at home. After a disagreement, each partner writes down separately what triggered it, what they felt, what they said and did, and what they'd like to do differently next time. The log comes to the next session instead of being debated at home, which gives you real material to work with and gives the couple permission to put the argument down until then.
For recurring practical problems, like the division of chores, structured problem solving keeps the conversation focused on the problem. The couple identifies one specific problem, lists possible solutions without judging them, crosses off the ones that aren't workable, agrees on one to try, and checks in a week later on how it went.
Practical Homework on Money and Shared Plans
Money is a common topic for couples to argue about, and it's often easier to approach as a structured exercise than as an open-ended conversation. The Money Conversation Rules for Couples worksheet, also in our free library, sets out ten rules for talking about money, including being respectful and kind, agreeing on an agenda, talking about both earning and spending, and making money conversations a regular habit. I ask couples to agree on the rules first, then have their first money conversation using prompts like these:
- What do we love spending money on, and what do we hate spending money on?
- If we unexpectedly received $10,000, what would we spend it on?
- If we could pick one thing to never stress about again when it comes to money, what would it be?
- How could we use money to buy back time?
- What are our short-term and long-term financial goals?
How to Review Couples Therapy Homework in Session
Reviewing homework at the start of every session tells the couple it matters, and it gives you a quick picture of the week. There's no right or wrong outcome here, as a couple who tried an exercise and ended up arguing has still shown you where they get stuck. Questions I use include:
- What did you try this week?
- What was it like to do it together?
- What got in the way?
- What did you notice your partner doing that you appreciated?
- What would make this easier next week?
If one partner completed the homework and the other didn't, try not to let the review turn into a scorecard. Ask about what got in the way with curiosity, and make the next assignment smaller if it needs to be. For the earlier stages of treatment, our guide to couples therapy questions for the first session covers the intake, and our guide to cognitive behavioural therapy questions to ask clients has more questions for structuring sessions.
Small, well-timed homework that's reviewed every session helps couples reconnect, communicate more clearly, and manage conflict at home, where their patterns actually happen. Having structured worksheets ready makes it much easier to set and follow through on.
Veronica West is a registered psychologist (BPsychSc(Hons), MPH, MPsych) and the founder of My Thriving Mind, a digital resource library for psychologists, counsellors, and allied mental health professionals. The range includes the couples therapy worksheets collection, the Couples Counseling Worksheets Mega Bundle with more than 100 pages of couples resources, the CBT Worksheets for Couples Therapy, and the Whole Shop Bundle for clinicians who want the full library of 1,000+ therapy resources in one purchase. The Exploration Activity and Money Conversation Rules featured above are free in our free resource library.
Browse the couples therapy worksheets collection here: https://mythrivingmind.io/collections/couples-therapy-worksheets